Three Years

I have so much to say, yet nothing seems 'right'.  For some reason I have been at a complete loss for words today.  (I know, I know… many of you are completely shocked by that!)  I woke up with a heavy heart… Like and elephant sitting on my chest, heavy.  It took some time to get to that place where it was comfortable to take a deep breath.  It has occurred to me lately that the grieving 'process' truly started this past year for me.  The first two years I was in survival mode.  Surgery after surgery followed by recoveries where my main priority.  I was fighting for this thing called a 'normal' life.  Fighting to heal so that I could live again.  So that WE could live again.  I have had an entire year without any form of surgery or therapy leaving me to deal with the emotional aspect of this grieving process.  There are days that I feel like my nose is barely above the water line.  That I am just trudging through the day to get 'by'.  There are other days that I feel like I'm 'there'.  In fact, most days I feel like I'm 'there'.  With all of this come extreme highs and lows, emotions that are way to much to bare and the list goes on and on.  It's a very difficult thing to describe to someone that hasn't been there.  I've also found that my heart is able to love again.  To love fully again.  I'm grateful that even through hurt and pain that God mends even the deepest wounds.  God is continuously providing in our lives and for that I am eternally grateful!

There are not enough words to show how much the boys and I are blessed by each of you.  We would not be where we are today without all of your prayers, love and support.  XOXOXO

"Broken Hallelujah"

I can barely stand right now, 

Everything is crashing down,

And I wonder where you are.

I try to find the words to pray,

I don't always know what to say,

But you're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,

I know you're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain,

On my knees, I call your name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.

You know the story of every tear.

'Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,

I know you're making beauty from these ashes.

W love. We mourn. We Remember. WE HEAL.  

Xoxo, 

Mel

March 18th

Two years.  Two.freakin.years.  I have struggled with what to say today.  How do I put in to words what my mind is telling me, what my emotions are seeping and what my heart feels?

There are so many emotions tied to this day.  Overwhelming sadness and longing for our B, shear thankfulness for Dylan and Colton's lives not only being spared that day but also unscathed, the many many blessings that have come through this day, the amazing friendships that have been strengthened and formed and the deep gratitude towards ever.single.person that prayed, visited, loved, mourned, rejoiced with us that day and the last 730 days.

Some know our story while others do not.

On March 18, 2011 the four of us set out for our annual spring break trip to St. Pete Beach, Florida.  One hour from our 'normal' overnight stop our lives came to a screeching halt.  At roughly 8:00 p.m. a semi jack knifed across all lanes of traffic on Interstate 475 in Macon, GA.  We were right behind the truck.  Brent, who was driving, did not have time to react.  There were no skid marks.  Brent did not have enough time to even react to brake.  We do believe that the steering wheel was turned just enough for B to take the brunt of the force.  (In my mind, I know that was his intention.... he never would have wanted it to be any of the three of us)  All it took was an estimated 1.6- 1.8 seconds for our car to end up completely underneath the bed of the semi.  We were blessed with several people that night that took it upon themselves to come to our need.  For the first several minutes, they believed Brent was the only passenger.  It quickly changed when they heard screams from Dylan and I.  Dylan and Colton were safely in their car seats with the roof of the car sheared off above them, exposing them to the underneath of the semi.   (Colton unconscious from a concussion).  I was trapped on the floorboard under the dashboard, a mangled mess.  We were trapped for close to 3 hours.  Three hours that Dylan said he spent praying over the four of us and telling Colton and I that everything would be ok.  The nightmare continued for 16 more days.  We were transported to the Medical Center of Central Georgia. I was rushed in for emergency surgery and sedated for the next 7 days.  Our boys were in an unfamiliar place with no one they knew in sight.  They laid in their individual rooms for another 10 + hours until my family arrived.  From here it was surgery after surgery for me and the boys travelled back home to Indy.  Six days later they celebrated Dylan's 6th Birthday.  A birthday celebration without a mommy or daddy.  A memory that still haunts me.  Seven days later I awoke.  Awoke to discover that my B was gone and a list of injuries far to long to comprehend.  March 18, 2011 began our journey for a hope for tomorrow.......

I tried explaining this the other night... the pain has subsided but the loneliness is raw.  Like pour salt on an open wound, RAW.  I have often been told that it would get easier with time.......  It is different....new.  I often long for my old life.  I long for the companionship, the date nights, family vacations, holding hands..... the life that I used to have.  God chose this day to take Brent home.  He chose that day to change our lives forever.  He chose that day to make me a widow and D and C fatherless.  He chose to leave me with injuries far too many to count.  But.... he also chose that day to breath new life in to the three of us.  He gave us an opportunity to minister and testimony to those around us.  He chose US to walk this journey.... yet not alone.

Thank you from the depths of my soul to every.single.person. that has prayed for us, loved us, held us up, visited, offered help, made meals, played/sponsored the annual Brent Burns Memorial Golf Outing, donated, cried, laughed,  and most importantly never forgotten our Beloved B.  We love.  We mourn.  We Remember.  We Heal.

Xoxo, Melissa

Forgiveness

The last almost two years have taught me more about life then I ever came close to learn in my first 29 years.  One of those things, and possibly the hardest of those, has been.... Forgiveness.

I have become a changed person.  Before the accident I was very Type A, obsessed with control, uptight and worried often.  Today, as I sit here and type this, I am FAR from the person I was then.  I have learned to let go, realized that I cannot change things that have happened or are out of my control, given up the reigns on my love for control and most importantly forgiven those that have hurt me, hurt my family, hurt my friends, and have taken more away from my life than I ever dreamt possible. I am finally feel FREE!  I chose after the accident to let GOD have control.  I chose to trust that HE would provide and comfort.  It was a realization that happened quickly after the accident.  God chose to save the boys and I, because he is not done with our purpose here on earth.  HE chose that day to breathe new life into the three of us.

I truly believe that one of the reasons I am standing here today is to be a living, breathing testimony.  To  live, love and FORGIVE.  The first two things were simple!  The last..... not.so.much.  I have always felt that if you forgive, you forget.  I didn't want to forget my beloved B, the many people I have met along this journey, my old life, etc.  But I also do not want the accident to run my life.  I wanted closure from a lot of different aspects in my life.  I allowed myself this week to forgive but never forget.  I feel like God spoke directly to my heart at just the right time.  I know he never fails and I'm right where I need to be.  Blessed beyond measure.

~ Mel

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying
'Set it FREE'

Forgiveness Forgiveness
Forgiveness Forgiveness

Sharing...

I have decided with much thought and persuasion to start a blog.  This has been one of those "GOD' things that I finally decided to move forward with.  I'm hoping that with this blog, one person, one widow will find a great place of comfort, support and resources.  Follow me on a journey of life....... the good, bad, and ugly.

~Mel

The beginning.....

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/MelissaBurns10

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